Mean Doesn't Help

Going to Disneyland is like swimming in a sea of the dominant parenting paradigm. I quickly became anxious when I realized that not only was I outside the safe bubble of like-minded parents who practice compassionate communication, but many of the parents surrounding my family in the Magic Kingdom seemed downright mean. Let me give you a sampling of what I overheard:

Mother: “You’re being a bitch.”
Daughter: Stunned silence.

Parent: “We’re here to have fun, so act like it!”
Child: “Being yelled at isn’t fun.”

Parent: “Hurry up!”
Child: “You sound mean.”
Parent: “I’m trying to help you!”
Child: “Mean doesn’t help.”

Parent: “Don’t, stop, don’t, stop, don’t do that either, I said stop, just stand here, don’t move, don’t touch that, stop playing with the chain, don’t climb the gate, you’re bothering the other people, I can’t take you anywhere.”

Parent: “Stop crying or we won’t go on this ride.”
Child: “I don’t want to go on this ride.”
Parent: “It’ll be fun, but only if you stop crying.”

One mother was holding her daughter while we were in line. The girl wanted to get down and visit with the other kids, so she was squirming and crying. I think the mother felt embarrassed and was worried about other parents judging her because she made many disparaging comments like, “The terrible twos never ended for us.”

I tried to show the little girl (and the mother) empathy by saying, “It’s hard to wait in line, isn’t it, especially when all you want to do is play and explore?”

The mother responded, “She’s just a brat.” The girl began kicking and her shoe fell off. The mother said, “See? She just kicked her shoe off!”

“I think the shoe just fell off,” I responded.

“No, she did it on purpose. She’s always acting up.”

I wanted to cry. I felt so sad for the children who were being told how bad they were all day long.

I wondered how I could help that other mother. I imagined she was feeling overwhelmed. Usually when I see a mom who seems about to blow I’ll say, “It’s so hard, isn’t it? Can I help?” The mom in front of me had someone else with her, though.

I knew I wasn’t the only one noticing what was going on around me all day. Our children pick-up on these things too. Perhaps you’ve noticed your child get silent, frown, then stare at another family while absorbing everything that’s said. That’s when we practice protecting our children by moving in close and saying, “How are you feeling, what are you thinking?” Or whisper, “I’m concerned, let’s move.”

Knowing that there wasn’t much I could do to change the situation around me, I turned my attention back to my own child, knelt down to her level, then sang and danced with her. Several minutes later as the line moved forward, I noticed the mom ahead of us doing the same thing as her daughter clapped along. I realized that the only thing I can control is my own behavior and that means taking care of my own family while modeling what I’ve learned about Nonviolent Communication.

My partner and I have discovered that when we’re going to be waiting in a line, at a restaurant, or on an airplane bringing an activity bag helps us to remain engaged with our child. Instead of dreading the wait and having anxiety about our child’s natural expressions of boredom, we have an opportunity to connect. Keeping food with us is also beneficial, especially since I am less patient and more likely to blow when I haven’t eaten.

Unfortunately, people’s behavior can negatively impact us and on our children. We have no control over others, though. We do have control over our own actions and luckily our behavior can have a positive impact on those around us now and then.