To Share or Not to Share

“That’s mine and I don’t feel happy about sharing right now,” a little boy said.

Another mother sitting at the edge of the sandbox replied, “When we bring toys to the park we always share, or we don’t bring the toys.”

The little boy hung his head. He was shamed for honestly expressing his feelings. There was a person who knew how to identify and honor his wants, desires and feelings – wow! I’m going to therapy to be able to do that. I wondered if that’s how we end up shutting down our feelings and losing the ability to speak-up for ourselves with authenticity and integrity. Is this one of the ways we’re turned into people pleasers?

I said to the mother, “Well, that’s one way of doing things. There are all different ways, I guess.” Then I turned to the little boy and said, “Thank you so much for telling us how you feel. I appreciate your honesty and if you do feel happy about sharing later, let us know. We’d enjoy playing with you.”

“Yes,” he said. “Maybe I’ll feel like it later. I just don’t feel comfortable right now.” I thought that statement was amazing. The little boy’s father was standing back observing. He didn’t interfere, but he did smile.

In our weekly playgroup at the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting (CNVEP), I’ve learned to honor my child’s feelings similarly. Just the other day, my daughter Marli didn’t feel like receiving hugs from her friends. This is a first in the year-and-a-half that we’ve been participating in playgroup with four other families. I explained to the other children that Marli wanted her space. I offered to hug them instead. When the other children wanted to be in the same box with her, I suggested that we take turns like we do with the rocking horse. Our group’s facilitator, Susan, showed us her technique for sharing: one person rocks ten times, while the others have a ‘waiting turn.’

Later, one of the other little girls wanted to connect with Marli and play with her. She took something Marli was playing with and hid it behind her back, then turned a little to reveal where the toy was. It was as if the other little girl was saying, “Where is it? Here it is! Can you get it?” Marli was not happy about this game, so I helped her by explaining to her friend, “Marli wasn’t done with that. Marli doesn’t want to play right now. She still wants space. Can you give that back to Marli? Here, I’ll help you give it back to her.” There were some big feelings and tears. The other girl’s mother said, “You want to play with Marli and she doesn’t want to play. That’s sad for you.” Then, one of the other parents offered to play instead and that worked! So often there’s pressure to be nice, play nice, play with your friend, give her a hug, SHARE!

Sharing is a learned skill and it’s a skill that we must help our children practice and develop in a gentle, supportive manner. We cannot command our children to share. Helping our children share includes soothing them while they struggle through their frustration. We must also help our children advocate for themselves, supporting them when they don’t want and don’t need to share.

I hope one day Marli and her friends will be able to voice themselves like the little boy in the park. I hope we’re modeling that type of self-care for them. I also hope we’re teaching them to honor one another’s feelings and to problem solve by looking for many different ways to meet their needs for play and connection.

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