Marli, my three-year-old, loves to explore her world by climbing. I want to encourage this, but I want her to remain safe. So, when Marli was one-and-a-half to two-years-old I stood below her ready to support her as she maneuvered on the jungle gym. I also want Marli to understand that there are some things we don't climb. For instance, tables at restaurants or tables at home.
She loves to climb the table in our living room, but we (really my partner Christopher) have a family value of not climbing on tables. We have to remind Marli again and again that we don't climb on the table. Often toddlers require that we repeat, repeat, repeat things because it takes them a while to get it.
Toddlers also require consistency and I believe that I've confused Marli because when her daddy's not home I let her climb onto the coffee table so that she can leap off it onto the couch. It just seems so fun! But her daddy feels strongly that the no-table-climbing family value is important. So, what is the yes behind the no? Marli can jump off her bed. She can jump off the couch. We can go out to the stairs and jump off the bottom step. We can go over to the nearby park.
We don't yell at Marli to STOP CLIMBING ON THE TABLE because we don't believe in scaring her into doing what we say. We don't do time out because we don't believe in isolating or shaming her. Plus, she's not old enough to think about what she did.
Sometimes her daddy asks, "How do we make her listen to us?" and I respond, "We can't make anyone do anything. We don't control other people." We are mentors (I need to be a more consistent one) and being patient will always win out over being controlling.
Trying to control Marli through shaming and punishing will only make her angry and then she'll act out. Our connection with her would be harmed. Maybe she'll do what we say out of fear, but I don't want my daughter to fear me. Do I want her to respect me, sure, but what is respect? It is a warm affection for another. Respect and love are much the same.
I respect and love Marli, so I will mentor her patiently and compassionately. I will be more consistent and I will continue to stand by her and support her as she maneuvers through the world.
How do I make her stop climbing on the table? I can't make her do anything. It will take time for her to get it and do it on her own accord. And, it will take consistency on my part. I need to respect my partner's values and help my daughter to respect them as well.
I believe in attachment parenting. But I also believe in "Get off your butt parenting".
ReplyDeleteWhen my 3 year old get on the table, I remove him. Time and time again, explaining that tables are for drinks, knick knacks, etc. They are not beds to lay on, or floors to walk on, or chairs to sit on. I don't allow him to stay on the table for even a moment. I immediately remove him. It didn't take but a day or two, and he no longer climbed it, but if it took weeks on end that ok.
Both parents must be a united front. It sends a mixed message if Dad says no, and you say yes.
The best way to deal with any power struggles is to remove your own power factor, by using good humour to deflect from any aggravation. I am amazed at how fast children learn that somewhere is out of bounds, but I am convinced that erecting a fence, or shouting the rules, will only create the opposite of what is desired.
ReplyDeleteIt is for me, as much about how you react when the child does inevitably climb on something then fall off it, this is where the good humour kicks in, you can soften many blows with smiles.