Saying No

When Marli came home yesterday, she burst into my bedroom, climbed onto my bed where I’d spent the day sick and hopped into my arms. It felt so good to cuddle with her…until she started saying, “Wah, wah. I’m a baby. Take me to the bathroom.”

I said, “I don’t feel well, honey. Standing up hurts my head and makes me feel nauseous. You can go to the bathroom yourself and then come right back, or daddy can help you.”

“Wah, wah. No. Mama.”

Chris said, “You gave her a choice. Stick to it.” He’s been encouraging me to be consistent with limits and choices. So, I stuck to it, and so did Marli.

For thirty minutes Marli rolled around saying, “Mama. Mama. I want Mama. I’m a baby. I can’t go by myself. I don’t want Daddy. Mama. Wah, wah.”

I felt frustrated and annoyed. I wanted to yell. Instead, I said, “You’re not a baby, Marli.” This really upset her, so I tried to understand where she was coming from. She’s been having
“missing feelings” because I’m working more. I imagine she longs for the days when she was a baby and we spent every day together. I long for that closeness too.

I said, “You’ve been missing Mama, so you want to pretend you’re a baby so that Mama can help you, but Mama’s sick today so I can’t help you go to the potty right now. Mama can’t always help you. I’m sorry. You can help yourself, though, or daddy can help you, then you can come back and we’ll cuddle and read.”

Marli also got frustrated and annoyed. She squeezed my arm. “That hurts my body,” I told her. “You’re really upset that Mama can’t help you right now. But we don’t hurt people’s bodies. You can tear paper or hit pillows.” She tore up some tissues.

I wondered if the situation had dissolved into a power struggle. Was I saying no just to prove I was the boss? No, standing-up felt really awful.

After thirty minutes, Chris told me that my chicken broth was ready, so it WAS time to stand and that’s when I helped Marli to the bathroom. After that, all was well and we moved on. But the whole affair was REALLY difficult. Wouldn't it just have been easier to cave in and take her to the bathroom?

My toddler will outlast me in a power struggle like this. I worry as I watch her thrash around and cry. I question myself: Am I engaging in a ridiculous power struggle? Should I just get up and help her? I think as long as I have a good reason for saying no, as long as I provide other choices, as long as I stay with my child and support her through the tough feelings and as long as I remain consistent with my limits, then I can relax and trust that I’m not hurting her. I’m helping her learn that sometimes things don’t go the way we want. That is an important thing to learn to deal with.

Setting limits often triggers these upset feelings in toddlers—in all people—but learning how to deal with frustration and anger are important lessons that raise a child’s emotional IQ.

Still...I wonder...

I'm going to check in with Ruth Beaglehole at the Center for Nonviolent Parenting and Education and I'll post about her response.