Compassionate Parenting

Parents help children cope with strong feelings

2010-09-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

From January-February 2010 Issue | Raising kids series
By Jennie Marie Mahalick

http://www.4children.org/issues/2010/january_february/parents_help_children_cope_with_strong_feelings/

When her one-year-old daughter began screaming in a store and threw herself on the floor, “at first, I felt embarrassed,” recalls Los Angeles mom Nancy DeLeon Meeker. “[Then] I realized the priority was my daughter’s well-being. Rather than getting mad at her because I felt embarrassed, I just sat on the floor with her and supported her, saying, ‘I know this is really hard. You’re frustrated and you want to leave.’”

Parents and educators share strategies for staying connected with children who are struggling with strong emotions—and helping children learn to cope with these difficult feelings.

Shift your perception

A meltdown is a child’s way of saying, “‘I’m overwhelmed! I have to release some feelings before I can deal with the situation,’” says Patricia Wipfler, a mother and director of Hand in Hand in Palo Alto.

When we realize meltdowns are normal, Wipfler adds, it’s easier to help children through the experience—“all that needs to happen is the parent being close and offering kindness until the child [is ready to do] something else.”

The term “tantrum” implies a child is purposely misbehaving, adds Marguerite Wright, mother of four and psychologist at Oakland’s Children’s Hospital. Shifting our language allows us to see these experiences as “panic attacks,” when a child doesn’t know how else to deal with their feelings, she adds.

Meeker’s family is from Guatemala and she says the culture she grew up in saw tantrums as a sign of disrespect, something that got children a spanking. “[Spanking] is all my dad knew, and that’s why I took [parenting] classes, to learn something different.”

“Staying connected [when my daughter has strong emotions] allows her to learn to deal with her feelings and helps me understand my child more,” Meeker adds. “And at three, [my daughter] asks for space instead of expressing herself through a push. She can tell us what’s going on with her—and that gives us a chance to support and maybe even help her. Many [adults] have trouble doing this! This process takes longer, but it’s worth it.”

Connect with your child by listening

When Meeker’s husband was away for a few days, her daughter “was pointing at the door and looking sad,” recalls Meeker. “I asked her to use her words and she said, ‘I miss Daddy.’ I said, ‘I know it’s hard, you’re thinking about Daddy and you’re missing him. You’re thinking about how he normally walks through the door and missing him.’ She cried for 45 minutes. I told her, ‘It’s okay to be sad. [But] Daddy always comes back.’ She kept saying, ‘Yes, I’m sad.’ I encouraged her to take a deep breath and it seemed [to help].

“After she calmed down on her own,” adds Meeker, “we pulled out a map and I showed her where Daddy was and I described what he was doing. We looked at pictures of him. It would have been easier to say, ‘Well you’ll be okay, Daddy will come back.’ But I feel like we’re doing a good job because she can tell us what’s happening with her.”

Meltdowns can be a strategy for expressing unmet needs, adds Nancy Kahn, a mother of two and a trainer for Bay Area Nonviolent Communication. “I want to understand my children’s needs,” she says, “and that requires me listening to what they say or what their body language says—Are you wanting to be your own boss? Are you feeling annoyed and wanting to play more?” Children may also be hungry or tired.

Set and hold limits

“A child wants something, the parent says no, [then] the child cries and screams for ten minutes [and] the parent gives in, [then] the child learns that crying and screaming are effective methods of getting what they want,” says Nancy Lim Yee, Program Director at the San Francisco’s Chinatown Child Development Center.

Susan Goldberg faces this challenge when her boys want to eat Halloween candy for breakfast. “When I’ve been clear with the limit, my son’s feelings get bigger,” says Goldberg, a parent educator for the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting. “I say, ‘You really want the candy and that’s frustrating for you that you can’t have it.’ The feelings pass and he learns he can get through difficulties.”

Sometimes frustrated children grab, hit, or bite. Rather than demanding the child stop, suggests Wipfler, adults can use their body to gently, but firmly, end the behavior. Parents might say, “We don’t hit people’s bodies because that hurts, but we can hit a pillow.” Children can also pull on a towel or a stuffed animal or tear scrap paper when they’re angry.

“Repair what happened” after you lose your temper

“If [parents are] really tired it’s harder to be available,” says Percy Vazquez, mother of two and owner of The Peace School child care co-op.

She recalls one night at a friend’s house when she lost her temper and yelled at her daughter—“Sonaya was tired, her dad was at a meeting and she was missing him. I was trying to get her to put on her shoes and go. She had a big explosion of feelings, 20 minutes of screaming, crying, and kicking.

“In the car there was more crying,” she says. “After 45 minutes, she wanted the radio and I needed quiet to regulate, so her tactic is, ‘I want the radio, I want the radio….’ I said, ‘I need you to stop,’ and then I yelled. Then I pulled over and I got out and said, ‘I’m sorry I yelled, I was very upset.’

“When we got home we talked about the whole situation. I said, ‘I know you don't want to leave your friend’s house and I know it’s hard.’ I went back and tried to repair what happened and think about what could have been done differently.

“It’s an opportunity to reflect and heal, it’s also an opportunity to empower the child and give them a voice. They can say, ‘It hurt my feelings,’ and we can say, ‘I’m sorry, I will work on it.’”

Talk with other adults

“Once several parents were helping at my daughter’s school,” says Vazquez, “[but] she wanted me to just help her. She was crying a lot. I was saying, ‘It’s hard to have your mom helping other people when you want her attention.’ [But] the teacher came over and said, ‘Dry your tears, the other kids aren’t crying.’”

Vazquez talked with her daughter afterward, telling her “it’s still OK to have your feelings.” She also talked with the teacher—she had noticed her daughter would erupt in the evening after holding in her feelings all day at school. While the teacher seemed resistant at first, she was more receptive toward the end of the conversation, says Vazquez.

Resources

Hand in Hand Parenting: parenting classes, support groups, and online parenting information in English and Spanish. 650-322-5323, www.handinhandparenting.org

Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting: parenting classes and workshops in English and Spanish. 213-484-6676, www.cnvep.org

Compassionate Parenting: a blog by this article’s author, Jennie Marie Mahalick,http://compassionateparenting.blogspot.com

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman and Joan DeClare, 1998

Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, by Pam Leo, 2007

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, 1999, English and Spanish.

Extra resources from the Children’s Advocate bulletin

Center for Non Violent Communication offers trainings and resources on "compassionate communication," which aims to help people resolve conflicts in a way that compassionately meets the needs of all concerned.
Additional books:
- Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg, Puddledancer Press, 2003
- Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, by Alfie Kohn, Atria Books, 2006
- Playful Parenting. by Lawrence Cohen, Ballantine Books, 2002
- Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Bantam Books, 1995
- Teaching Children Self-Discipline, by Thomas Gordon, Crown, 1989

To stay informed about new and upcoming Children’s Advocate articles, related resources, and advocacy opportunities, sign up for our Children’s Advocate bulletin

Making Books With Children

2009-12-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

This article is taken from The Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting's Web site (with permission) at www.cnvep.org. They have a wonderful list of books at: http://www.cnvep.org/new/english/readings.html
and a list of Web sites at: http://www.cnvep.org/new/english/links.html.

I make books with my daughter almost daily. I do it when she's missing mommy because mommy had to go to work and I do it when she feels sad because she got hit at the playground. I did it to help with weaning and I did it to help explain how to use the potty. I have found this to be the single most amazing tool in my toolbox!

Making Books With Children
By Ruth Beaglehole

A wonderful tool to help children understand what is happening in their lives is to make special books for them. Books help the child know about their experiences as well as supporting them with their feelings. They let the child know that we take very seriously what happens to them. It is a healing experience for the child to have his/her experience validated. It can be compared to the journal writing that many adults do to support themselves with their own lives.

Writing books with children is an important literacy tool. We are communicating to the children that writing and reading are valuable ways to access the world. We let them know that we value the printed work and that there is a lot to discover by reading.

Books also help the parents have a way to communicate with their child in a clear and simple way. They are able to teach the lessons of life that they want their children to learn. It is a tool to resolve conflict and to change negative anger into supportive teaching. They can be used to prepare children for a change that may be going to happen, or to help understand a scary that that happened, or will happen.

Books are easy to make. Take two or three pieces of paper, fold them in half to make four to eight pages, and staple them. For young toddlers, books can be one piece of paper left unfolded. Draw simple pictures and write words that explain the feeling or experience you are writing about. That is not about drawing an artist’s sketch! Simple stick figures work well. Print the words in lower case letters as children will learn when they start school. It is the adult’s words that are used. Older children can contribute their words and may want to draw on the last page. For younger toddlers, the words need to be very simple. Alex sad! Crying! Fall down!

Name the book with the child’s name and the subject. Andrews book about going to the Doctor. Mary’s book about her Angry feelings. Each page has a picture with a little of the story. Write the situation followed by the child’s feelings.

There is nothing that can’t be made into a book. It may feel awkward at first but with practice parents and teachers find it a wonderful activity to help children understand their world.

Time Out's Time is Over

2009-09-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

Imagine that your boss approaches you and says that there’s a problem with your most recent job performance, then demands that you sit in the conference room alone for ten minutes to think about what you’ve done. You would probably feel a mix of embarrassment, confusion and anger, plus you’d have no idea what the exact nature of your poor performance was. An effective manager is a leader and a mentor who communicates well. A more effective strategy would be to join you in the conference room and talk with you about how you could improve. Why should children be treated with any less respect and consideration than this? Time out is only effective if you join the child to discuss what happened, what motivated the action and what could have been done differently.

Giving a hockey player a time out for fighting so that they can calm down is a different situation. In the case of violence a protective use of force, rather than a punitive use of force, is effective. In his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. writes, “The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds. When we grab a child who is running into the street to prevent the child from being injured, we are applying a protective force. The punitive use of force, on the other hand, might involve physical or psychological attack, such as spanking the child or reproofs like, ‘How could you be so stupid!’”

Punitive force, or punishment, takes a variety of forms that are prevalent disciplinary tools in our society. These include judgmental labeling, shaming, withholding affection, withholding privileges, bribing with rewards or even yelling and spanking. These tactics attempt to scare and coerce people into behaving, but they do not teach something new to correct the behavior.

Punishment focuses on the negative, rather than taking the opportunity to focus on positives such as your family’s values. If you suspect your child of lying, take the opportunity to explain that you value honesty and trust. This way, you’re focusing on the positive behaviors you’d like to encourage your child to engage in, rather than harming your child’s self-esteem by calling them a liar.

Furthermore, we want our children to act with integrity intentionally, not because they’re afraid of our reaction. Engaging in this type of discuss also presents an opportunity to find out what was motivating your child’s actions.

Threats and physical violence teach our children to fear us, not to trust us and to be angry with us. This sets the stage for rebellion and resistance. If we do not take the opportunity to talk with our children and mentor them, no matter what age they are, they won’t understand our seemingly sudden outbursts. Try thinking of the situation from their point of view.

Children act from the best of intentions and often they’re just playing and enjoying themselves. Often they're simply trying to meet their needs for exploration, autonomy and joy. Imagine that you’re joyfully playing in the sand. You throw it in the air and watch how it falls to the ground. You’re captivated! Then, your parent grabs your arm and shouts at you for throwing sand in front of everyone at the park. You don’t understand what you did wrong. You’re embarrassed.

Our children learn by watching us. When we hit, they learn to hit. When we are shaming and disrespectful, they learn to behave similarly. In Everday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, Myla observes, “Over the years I have tried again and again to see things from each child’s point of view, and in doing so, often my eyes have been opened to old patterns of relating from my own childhood that were limiting or damaging.”

She continues, “When we sense the presence of something old and destructive, whether it is in the tone of our voice (belittling or minimizing a child’s feelings), a look on our face (disdain or contempt), or in our words (e.g., ‘What’s the matter with you?’ or calling them some kind of hurtful name), we have a precious opportunity to make an important choice. We can choose to continue to go on with our automatic and sometimes cruel behavior, which in some ways may feel familiar and comfortable because we may have grown up with it; or we can stop and try to see more clearly behind our own intense reaction in that moment. We can try, despite ourselves, to see with fresh eyes and ask, ‘What am I doing right now? Why am I reacting so strongly in this situation? Where is this going to take me if I keep going in this direction? What does my child really need from me in this moment? What choices do I have here?”

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother before she passed away, she said, “I’ve seen how your father treats you sometimes and I want to apologize because that’s how I treated him. He got that from me.” I thought that was such a deep sentiment coming from such a tough woman. She continued and said, “You know, I hit him on top of the head with a pot a couple of times.” My father doesn’t remember this and he never did anything like that to me. But my grandmother remembered it and the guilt haunted her. With tears in her eyes, she explained how she lived in a small New York City apartment during the depression and how her own mother used to call her names. She looked me in the eye and presented what I consider to be her dying wish, “I hope it stops with you.” I replied, “Okay, it will.”

My father and I have healed and strengthened our own relationship by learning new ways of communicating that include respect and consideration for one another. I still have a lot of work to do in this area because when I’m irritable I am rude and short-tempered. Therefore, to honor my grandmother’s request and to fulfill my own dreams of being a kind parent, I take classes at the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting (CNEVP). It is there that I’ve learned alternatives to time out.

Giving a child a time out without the benefit of having you sit with them to process what has happened is really a type of temporary isolation that is quite sad. Whether you use time outs to get a break or to break a child of a behavior that you don’t like, there are more effective ways to get our needs for peace and order met that respect the feelings of all involved. The alternative involves communication and connection, as well as practice and patience.

###

When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’

2009-09-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

New York Times

September 15, 2009

Mind

By ALFIE KOHN

More than 50 years ago, the psychologist Carl Rogers suggested that simply loving our children wasn’t enough. We have to love them unconditionally, he said — for who they are, not for what they do.

As a father, I know this is a tall order, but it becomes even more challenging now that so much of the advice we are given amounts to exactly the opposite. In effect, we’re given tips in conditional parenting, which comes in two flavors: turn up the affection when they’re good, withhold affection when they’re not.

Thus, the talk show host Phil McGraw tells us in his book “Family First” (Free Press, 2004) that what children need or enjoy should be offered contingently, turned into rewards to be doled out or withheld so they “behave according to your wishes.” And “one of the most powerful currencies for a child,” he adds, “is the parents’ acceptance and approval.”

Likewise, Jo Frost of “Supernanny,” in her book of the same name (Hyperion, 2005), says, “The best rewards are attention, praise and love,” and these should be held back “when the child behaves badly until she says she is sorry,” at which point the love is turned back on.

Conditional parenting isn’t limited to old-school authoritarians. Some people who wouldn’t dream of spanking choose instead to discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” Conversely, “positive reinforcement” teaches children that they are loved, and lovable, only when they do whatever we decide is a “good job.”

This raises the intriguing possibility that the problem with praise isn’t that it is done the wrong way — or handed out too easily, as social conservatives insist. Rather, it might be just another method of control, analogous to punishment. The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. A steady diet of that, Rogers warned, and children might eventually need a therapist to provide the unconditional acceptance they didn’t get when it counted.

But was Rogers right? Before we toss out mainstream discipline, it would be nice to have some evidence. And now we do.

In 2004, two Israeli researchers, Avi Assor and Guy Roth, joined Edward L. Deci, a leading American expert on the psychology of motivation, in asking more than 100 college students whether the love they had received from their parents had seemed to depend on whether they had succeeded in school, practiced hard for sports, been considerate toward others or suppressed emotions like anger and fear.

It turned out that children who received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted. But compliance came at a steep price. First, these children tended to resent and dislike their parents. Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.” Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually short-lived, and they often felt guilty or ashamed.

In a companion study, Dr. Assor and his colleagues interviewed mothers of grown children. With this generation, too, conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults. Yet despite the negative effects, these mothers were more likely to use conditional affection with their own children.

This July, the same researchers, now joined by two of Dr. Deci’s colleagues at the University of Rochester, published two replications and extensions of the 2004 study. This time the subjects were ninth graders, and this time giving more approval when children did what parents wanted was carefully distinguished from giving less when they did not.

The studies found that both positive and negative conditional parenting were harmful, but in slightly different ways. The positive kind sometimes succeeded in getting children to work harder on academic tasks, but at the cost of unhealthy feelings of “internal compulsion.” Negative conditional parenting didn’t even work in the short run; it just increased the teenagers’ negative feelings about their parents.

What these and other studies tell us, if we’re able to hear the news, is that praising children for doing something right isn’t a meaningful alternative to pulling back or punishing when they do something wrong. Both are examples of conditional parenting, and both are counterproductive.

The child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim, who readily acknowledged that the version of negative conditional parenting known as time-out can cause “deep feelings of anxiety,” nevertheless endorsed it for that very reason. “When our words are not enough,” he said, “the threat of the withdrawal of our love and affection is the only sound method to impress on him that he had better conform to our request.”

But the data suggest that love withdrawal isn’t particularly effective at getting compliance, much less at promoting moral development. Even if we did succeed in making children obey us, though — say, by using positive reinforcement — is obedience worth the possible long-term psychological harm? Should parental love be used as a tool for controlling children?

Deeper issues also underlie a different sort of criticism. Albert Bandura, the father of the branch of psychology known as social learning theory, declared that unconditional love “would make children directionless and quite unlovable” — an assertion entirely unsupported by empirical studies. The idea that children accepted for who they are would lack direction or appeal is most informative for what it tells us about the dark view of human nature held by those who issue such warnings.

In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.

The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.

Rogers didn’t say so, but I’ll bet he would have been glad to see less demand for skillful therapists if that meant more people were growing into adulthood having already felt unconditionally accepted.

Alfie Kohn is the author of 11 books about human behavior and education, including “Unconditional Parenting” and “Punished by Rewards.”

A Warning Please

2009-09-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

Transitions are important, whether it’s saying good-bye to a friend, the park or bath time. When transitions are sudden, children often feel really disappointed. There are many ways that parents can prepare their children to move on to the next activity. After a few warnings, our family sings the good-bye song. We’re also learning to put playful parenting into practice by coming up with fun ways to leave the park – like making a bridge of leaves to the car. A warning of some sort is important, though. I recently learned this lesson first-hand.

“Okay, we’re leaving now. Time to go,” my partner told me. I was in the middle of writing and I wanted to finish getting my idea on paper.

I responded, “We give our daughter a five-minute warning. I think I need one of those from now on.”

He employed a suggestion he’d heard about during his support group for fathers at the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting (CNVEP) and he asked, “How much time do you need to wrap things up and be ready to walk out the door?” I needed ten minutes.

The exchange felt good, not like past interactions where he fights to get me moving and I fight to finish my task. In that situation, he’s left feeling frustrated thinking that I don’t care about our family time and I’m left feeling unheard thinking that he doesn’t value my work. When I honored my ten-minute promise we both felt understood and we were both pleased with the outcome we’d worked out together.

I gained insight into how a child feels when a parent busts in on them and demands that they drop what they’re doing. The parent sees the kid playing and thinks that it’s not that important, but play is actually very deep stuff. Plus, there’s the issue of autonomy. No one wants to be told what to do with their life, their body or their time – including children. Demands do not feel good, no matter how old you are.

###

I Yelled

2009-09-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I yelled and I feel awful.

Marli, my three-year-old, wanted chocolate milk (Organic, but still has sugar) and for various reasons I set a limit and said no. She cried and screamed in the backseat. I tried to maintain my connection with her and say, "I know it's hard when we can't have something we really want." But, I was getting tense.

I turned up the music in an attempt to drown her out. This upset her more. She's not a fan of loud sounds. I tried practicing what my therapist calls the law of attraction by telling myself, "I am calm," instead of, "I'm going to lose it." This was working, till it wasn't. I pulled over the car and got out so that I could take some deep breaths. We were almost home. I was going to make it.

Then, I just snapped. I got flooded with emotions and I yelled, "SHUT UP!"

Marli's face crumbled even more as she sobbed, "You scared me."

I felt terrible.

When we got home we made a book about it. We read the book over and over. We talked about how she felt and I said sorry. We cuddled. We repaired the rupture.

My goal is to not lose it...I mean to remain calm, but is this an achievable goal? Some days it feels impossible. Here's what is achievable: learning what triggers me and what soothes me. The day I yelled I was REALLY hungry. I know that if I don't tend to my own needs I will lose it more quickly.

So, I know that in order to remain calm, I must remain nourished. I must tend to my own needs. As parents, we sometimes put our needs last, but we must take care of ourselves if we're going to be any good for our families.

Go recharge, go nourish yourself, go take care of you today!

I Was Shocked--Even a Little Horrified!

2009-09-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: This article was well-received in my community, so I entered it into a parenting essay contest. One of the judges responded that the article falls short because the author never explains what DISABILITY her child has that requires so much patience. I was shocked--even a little horrified. Does the dominant paradigm believe that the only children deserving of patience are those with disabilities?

"One of the first signs that a child is feeling disconnected is a
drop in the level of cooperation. When a child is uncooperative, we can
take him gently aside and quietly ask, 'What is this behavior about?
What do you need?' Even if the child cannot tell us if the behavior is
caused by an unmet emotional need, asking the question, 'What do you
need?' creates connection. The first step to cooperation is
connection."

-- Pam Leo, Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear

I need to get home and rain is dumping on my back as I try to buckle my one-year-old into her car seat. She cries and fights me.

I push the grocery bags aside and climb into the back seat. I try to empathize and honor my little girl’s feelings. I say, "Marli, I see you're really upset. I know it's hard to do things we don't want to do, but we need to go home, so I'm going to put you in your car seat."

But I know there is no reasoning with people when they are flooded with emotions. And I’m well aware that toddlers are stuck in their emotional lower brain much of the time, so expecting them not to have "tantrums" is just unrealistic. How do we soothe them and help them through this stage?

Marli expresses her anger by hitting me. I respond with, “That hurt mommy. It's not okay to hit people." As I say this, I’m thinking, “How can I teach my girl appropriate ways to express anger?” I think about my own anger – how I express it toward her father, how I tend to become passive-aggressive or inflict a punishing silent treatment. Uh-oh! I need to work on that and become a better role model.

I don't want to yell at Marli or throw her in the car seat. I recall what I've been learning at the Center: “Find the Yes Behind the No.” I say, "Hitting hurts, baby. But you can hit the car seat, or you can throw something soft like your bunny. Or you can cry."

Marli hits her car seat, then grabs the top of it and tries to shake it. I smile a little – it's amazing to watch her process. Shaking the car seat seems to provide her with a satisfying release. As she cries I don’t say, "It's okay," because right now Marli doesn’t feel okay. Instead I say, "You're having big feelings and mama's here to help you through this."

I rub Marli’s back and she pushes my hand away. I'm learning that when Marli's upset she does not want to be touched. With the gentlest tone I can muster, I explain, “I'm going to pick you up and put you in the car seat, then we'll drive home and put the groceries away. Later we’ll eat, nap and play at the park. I remind her of the fun we’ll soon share – the swings, the slides and the sand.

I try to sit Marli down, but she screams hysterically. My own frustration is mounting and I’m trying not to snap. We need to get home! It’s obvious now I’m going to have to wrestle Marli into the car seat. When she cries, I'll just have to see it as an exercise in building up my tolerance to crying. Then, I'll try to hold her with my voice by singing softly on the way home because I’ve learned that music soothes Marli.

I try to pick Marli up but she’s latched her hands onto the top of the car seat and won’t let go. I try to pry her away. Marli rigidly locks her legs and won’t bend them. She screams and I want to scream right along with her shouting, "Just stop it!" But this feels wrong.

I don't want to tell Marli to stop crying because I don't want to send the message that feelings should be shut off. My goal as a parent is not control, but maintaining a connection and building a relationship.

My thoughts turn to Pam Leo’s book, Connection Parenting. I remember what she says about a drop in the level of cooperation being a sign that a child feels disconnected. She suggests asking what the child needs. I consciously stop and think: What need is my daughter trying to get met?

I remember the anagram I learned at the Center, ‘OF NEEDS’ -- Observe, Feelings, Needs, Engage, Empathy, Develop Solutions. I follow these steps by first observing Marli without judgment. Marli is standing in her car seat, tears streaming down her red face, bouncing up and down, pointing to something with wide eyes. I’ve already identified her feelings of anger and frustration. When I consider her needs, the “Five A’s” come to mind: attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation and autonomy.

While I silently observe her, Marli gradually calms down and even begins to giggle. She looks at me and excitedly points at something. It’s as if she’s trying to show me something, I don't see anything beside the car window misting up with rain.

I try to empathize by imagining the scene from Marli’s vantage point. She points again and laughs. I look and I see raindrops dotting and rolling down the window! It's a beautiful sight! In this lovely moment of connection, I also see something else: I need to slow down. I need to enjoy this life I am sharing with my child.

I warmly re-engage with Marli. In a tender tone of voice, I say, "I wonder if you're feeling sad about getting in your car seat because you want to watch the rain? Maybe you’re feeling a need to explore? I imagine you're feeling excited because this is one of your first experiences with rain." I consciously decide to honor Marli’s needs. I say, "Mommy didn't understand that you were really enjoying watching the rain. I'm sorry. Let's watch the rain together for a bit, and then we'll go home."

Marli leaves her car seat and crawls into my lap. I take some deep breaths. We cuddle up and watch the rain. It's wonderful. I realize it’s one of the most peaceful, playful and loving moments I've experienced.

After about twenty minutes, I sing the good-bye song and Marli claps along happily. I say, "Let's say bye-bye to the rain." She says, "bye-bye," and leans toward her car seat. I buckle her in effortlessly.

Fighting with Marli and attempting to force her into the car seat may have worked, eventually. But both of us would have been miserable. Instead, we connected.

Getting my little girl into the car seat is not always smooth, but now I plan for it to be a long process. For a while, Marli enjoyed exploring the interior car lights - she wanted to play with them before getting into her car seat. I tried to leave early enough so that her curiosity was something we could share and enjoy, rather than a source of anxiety for me.

The main goal is not getting home, but connecting. Rather than rushing through the day and struggling to make my daughter do what I want, I seek creative and playful ways that we can enjoy our precious moments together."

Ruth Beaglehole's Response to the Last Post

2009-09-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

First, it sounds so hard--for you and for Marli.

I am sure she was scared that Mama was not feeling well.

I understand your limit--makes total sense that you would want her to accept Chris's help. In a flooded [emotional] state, her brain is not able to think rationally. Her emotional mid-brain is fully reacting and she is not in a place to think it through and understand from a rational place. It was a moment of vulnerability and how beautiful it was that she was able to say, in effect, that she need to have her core needs heard--connection, closeness, attention, trust and more. We are all babies at heart if that means being vulnerable and coming from a place of needs.

So hard at times like this not to want to place consistency over empathy. I would suggest holding the limit with empathy and kindness and absolutely validating her vulnerability.
Remember one can always go back and repair the disconnection, for instance you could say: "You really wanted Mama to help you and Mama was not feeling well. That was hard for you. You cried for a long time. I know it is hard when Mama can't help you when you need help. I am glad you cried because you were feeling sad!!"

--
Ruth Beaglehole
Executive Director
..............................

.......................
Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting (CNVEP)
P.O. Box 26938
Los Angeles, CA 90026

Saying No

2009-09-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

When Marli came home yesterday, she burst into my bedroom, climbed onto my bed where I’d spent the day sick and hopped into my arms. It felt so good to cuddle with her…until she started saying, “Wah, wah. I’m a baby. Take me to the bathroom.”

I said, “I don’t feel well, honey. Standing up hurts my head and makes me feel nauseous. You can go to the bathroom yourself and then come right back, or daddy can help you.”

“Wah, wah. No. Mama.”

Chris said, “You gave her a choice. Stick to it.” He’s been encouraging me to be consistent with limits and choices. So, I stuck to it, and so did Marli.

For thirty minutes Marli rolled around saying, “Mama. Mama. I want Mama. I’m a baby. I can’t go by myself. I don’t want Daddy. Mama. Wah, wah.”

I felt frustrated and annoyed. I wanted to yell. Instead, I said, “You’re not a baby, Marli.” This really upset her, so I tried to understand where she was coming from. She’s been having
“missing feelings” because I’m working more. I imagine she longs for the days when she was a baby and we spent every day together. I long for that closeness too.

I said, “You’ve been missing Mama, so you want to pretend you’re a baby so that Mama can help you, but Mama’s sick today so I can’t help you go to the potty right now. Mama can’t always help you. I’m sorry. You can help yourself, though, or daddy can help you, then you can come back and we’ll cuddle and read.”

Marli also got frustrated and annoyed. She squeezed my arm. “That hurts my body,” I told her. “You’re really upset that Mama can’t help you right now. But we don’t hurt people’s bodies. You can tear paper or hit pillows.” She tore up some tissues.

I wondered if the situation had dissolved into a power struggle. Was I saying no just to prove I was the boss? No, standing-up felt really awful.

After thirty minutes, Chris told me that my chicken broth was ready, so it WAS time to stand and that’s when I helped Marli to the bathroom. After that, all was well and we moved on. But the whole affair was REALLY difficult. Wouldn't it just have been easier to cave in and take her to the bathroom?

My toddler will outlast me in a power struggle like this. I worry as I watch her thrash around and cry. I question myself: Am I engaging in a ridiculous power struggle? Should I just get up and help her? I think as long as I have a good reason for saying no, as long as I provide other choices, as long as I stay with my child and support her through the tough feelings and as long as I remain consistent with my limits, then I can relax and trust that I’m not hurting her. I’m helping her learn that sometimes things don’t go the way we want. That is an important thing to learn to deal with.

Setting limits often triggers these upset feelings in toddlers—in all people—but learning how to deal with frustration and anger are important lessons that raise a child’s emotional IQ.

Still...I wonder...

I'm going to check in with Ruth Beaglehole at the Center for Nonviolent Parenting and Education and I'll post about her response.

Being Patient Beats Being Controlling

2009-08-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

Marli, my three-year-old, loves to explore her world by climbing. I want to encourage this, but I want her to remain safe. So, when Marli was one-and-a-half to two-years-old I stood below her ready to support her as she maneuvered on the jungle gym. I also want Marli to understand that there are some things we don't climb. For instance, tables at restaurants or tables at home.

She loves to climb the table in our living room, but we (really my partner Christopher) have a family value of not climbing on tables. We have to remind Marli again and again that we don't climb on the table. Often toddlers require that we repeat, repeat, repeat things because it takes them a while to get it.

Toddlers also require consistency and I believe that I've confused Marli because when her daddy's not home I let her climb onto the coffee table so that she can leap off it onto the couch. It just seems so fun! But her daddy feels strongly that the no-table-climbing family value is important. So, what is the yes behind the no? Marli can jump off her bed. She can jump off the couch. We can go out to the stairs and jump off the bottom step. We can go over to the nearby park.

We don't yell at Marli to STOP CLIMBING ON THE TABLE because we don't believe in scaring her into doing what we say. We don't do time out because we don't believe in isolating or shaming her. Plus, she's not old enough to think about what she did.

Sometimes her daddy asks, "How do we make her listen to us?" and I respond, "We can't make anyone do anything. We don't control other people." We are mentors (I need to be a more consistent one) and being patient will always win out over being controlling.

Trying to control Marli through shaming and punishing will only make her angry and then she'll act out. Our connection with her would be harmed. Maybe she'll do what we say out of fear, but I don't want my daughter to fear me. Do I want her to respect me, sure, but what is respect? It is a warm affection for another. Respect and love are much the same.

I respect and love Marli, so I will mentor her patiently and compassionately. I will be more consistent and I will continue to stand by her and support her as she maneuvers through the world.

How do I make her stop climbing on the table? I can't make her do anything. It will take time for her to get it and do it on her own accord. And, it will take consistency on my part. I need to respect my partner's values and help my daughter to respect them as well.

Poop and Maple Syrup Mess

2009-08-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

I had just spent a couple of hours cleaning, sweeping and mopping. Marli, then one-and-a-half, was sitting on our hardwood floor playing as I put away the cleaning supplies. You know where this going, right? I returned from the cleaning closet and there she was: smearing poop on the floor with her hands and feet while giggling, laughing and clapping—yes, clapping with poopy hands.

I didn’t lose it. I’ve lost it at other times, but not this time. My partner, Christopher, marveled at this. Me, too. The secret? Expectations, or lack thereof.

I had been in the frame of mind that Marli was going to explore her world in messy ways and that getting messy is pretty fun for her. So I said something like, “Wow, that looks like fun, Marli, but poop needs to stay in the toilet.” We cleaned up. We talked about germs and how poop can make us sick. We read Mr. Rogers' book about going potty, which I believe led to her use of the potty by one-and-a-half…that and the no-diaper-around-the-house rule, which leads us back to the poop on the floor.

Before the "poopy germs are yucky" talk and the Mr. Rogers potty book, we washed up and finger-painted (with paint--with PAINT! I did not join her in the poopy mess.). I met her need to be creative through the medium of messy hands.

I re-mopped the floor and REALLY disinfected it. I didn’t shame or punish Marli, and she never did it again. Okay, she climbed up on the table (she started climbing before she could walk and I’ll talk about that tomorrow) and dumped a bottle of maple syrup on the floor once. Loads of fun for her. Sticky, gooy fun. Yuk. But, we handled that similarly and she hasn’t done it again.

Some things she does do again and again, like squeezing out the toothpaste. I cannot think of something toothpaste-like for her to play with instead, so I do my best to remember to put it away. If I don’t put it away, then I better expect to have a toothpaste mess to clean up with her and another conversation about why we don’t waste toothpaste.

She stopped wasting (in my opinion, but playing with in her opinion) the toothpaste around two-and-a-half years old. It took a year. Some conversations have to be repeated because our toddlers are little people who are still learning. Shaming and punishing doesn’t work, it pisses them off and they act out. The key for me is having realistic expectations. I know toddlers make messes. I know toddlers poop on clean floors and then play with it. I know that it’s my job to teach my toddler why we don’t do that. I know that she is fascinated by toothpaste for some reason and that she loves to explore it, so I know I must put it away up high.

So, the next time Marli acts like a toddler, I hope I can remain calm and deal with it. Expecting her not to be a messy toddler is what’s out of line, not poopy, syrupy messes.

Do Afterschool Intervention Programs Lower Childhood Obesity Rates?

2009-08-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

Look around next time you’re at the park. You don’t need to be a doctor to notice that childhood obesity rates are rising faster than ever. That’s why some local governments are calling for schools to provide physical activity programs. But a little bit of recess won’t be enough. A recent review of 18 studies involving 18,141 children conducted by the Canadian Medical Association Journal showed that these programs did not improve body mass index, though there were other health benefits. The study concluded that, “…policies that mandate increased physical activity in schools are unlikely to have a significant effect on the increasing prevalence of childhood obesity.”

Another study published in The Journal of Adolescent Health found that families with low rates of active-recreation had poor fitness and general health, as well as increased television watching. The study’s findings highlighted the family and home environment’s crucial role in the success of adolescent physical activity intervention programs.

Families can encourage a love of physical activity, which will increase the success of school-based intervention programs, by arranging regular recreation activities. Sixty minutes of exercise per day—done all at once or in smaller stints—is ideal for children. Exercises that result in sustained increases in heart rate aid in weight control and cardiovascular fitness, which reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. Furthermore, bone loading exercises build strong bones. Since stronger bones contain more mass they remain denser during the years of bone loss later in life.

Bone loading exercises cause muscle to pull on bone. These include jogging, hiking, stair-climbing, step aerobics, dancing and racquet sports. Activities like swimming and walking are good for cardiovascular fitness, but not for building strong bones. Families can enjoy bone strengthening and cardiovascular activities together by:
• Playing games that include running, like tag or kickball
• Hiking trails and exploring nature
• Putting on music and dancing at home
• Arranging a scavenger hunt at a park where children run around looking for items on a list to place in a bag

The most important factor in a child’s health and fitness is their family, not their school. For school programs to be successful, families must find fun ways to engage their little ones in regular physical activities. Doing this will not only develop healthier children, but healthier adults too.

It's About Fit Not Fat

2009-08-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

Across the country, elementary girls are singing lyrics from the 3OH!3 song Don’t Trust Me: “Shush girl, shut your lips, do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips.” Girls on the Run® is a national non-profit that addresses negative messages like this through afterschool programs that empower preteen girls to develop healthy bodies and attitudes.

Girls on the Run has 150 councils, each organizing programs at multiple schools in their county. Programs are led by volunteer coaches who follow a 12-week curriculum for girls who are either in grades 3-5 or grades 6-8. Each program session includes discussion topics that help break down body image stereotypes and build up self-esteem, as well as games that encourage physical activity to prepare the girls to participate in a 5K.

Girls on the Run targets girls as young as 8—when children become more susceptible to peer pressure and influences like the media. It’s the stage of development when appearance begins to matter more and girls begin comparing themselves to others. This prepubescent stage is also when children are still receptive to positive adult role models. Furthermore, introducing exercise earlier in childhood creates a love of fitness that is more likely to last into adulthood.

Elizabeth Sadlon, Board Chair of Girls on the Run of Los Angeles County, believes the program is effective because it is fun, rather than competitive. No one gets stuck on the bench, cut from the team or made fun of due to lack of coordination. Instead, all of the girls get the chance to participate in games that involve physical activity. “The girls have such a good time participating in each session’s activity that they don’t even realize they’re getting a workout,” Sadlon says. “By the end of the program, the girls finish a 5K and—whether they walk it or run it—they see that marathoners come in all shapes and sizes. I heard one girl sum up the program by saying it’s about fit, not fat.”

Girls on the Run teaches girls that, in addition to balanced exercise and eating habits, being fit is also about maintaining a balanced emotional state. Girls in grades 3-5 discuss 24 topics, including how to identify, deal with and express uncomfortable emotions like anger, sorrow and frustration. Girls in grades 6-8 discuss similar, but more advanced topics, like emotional eating and balanced eating habits.

“After learning to care for themselves,” Sadlon explains, “the girls learn to care for their friends and loved ones, then their community.” All of this culminates in the 5K, where the girls practice being good to themselves by setting a personal goal and doing their best to achieve it. It’s also an opportunity to be good to one another by helping each other finish the 5K and to be good to the community by becoming positive role models.

To find a Girls on the Run council near you, visit their Web site at www.girlsontherun.com.

To Share or Not to Share

2009-05-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

“That’s mine and I don’t feel happy about sharing right now,” a little boy said.

Another mother sitting at the edge of the sandbox replied, “When we bring toys to the park we always share, or we don’t bring the toys.”

The little boy hung his head. He was shamed for honestly expressing his feelings. There was a person who knew how to identify and honor his wants, desires and feelings – wow! I’m going to therapy to be able to do that. I wondered if that’s how we end up shutting down our feelings and losing the ability to speak-up for ourselves with authenticity and integrity. Is this one of the ways we’re turned into people pleasers?

I said to the mother, “Well, that’s one way of doing things. There are all different ways, I guess.” Then I turned to the little boy and said, “Thank you so much for telling us how you feel. I appreciate your honesty and if you do feel happy about sharing later, let us know. We’d enjoy playing with you.”

“Yes,” he said. “Maybe I’ll feel like it later. I just don’t feel comfortable right now.” I thought that statement was amazing. The little boy’s father was standing back observing. He didn’t interfere, but he did smile.

In our weekly playgroup at the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting (CNVEP), I’ve learned to honor my child’s feelings similarly. Just the other day, my daughter Marli didn’t feel like receiving hugs from her friends. This is a first in the year-and-a-half that we’ve been participating in playgroup with four other families. I explained to the other children that Marli wanted her space. I offered to hug them instead. When the other children wanted to be in the same box with her, I suggested that we take turns like we do with the rocking horse. Our group’s facilitator, Susan, showed us her technique for sharing: one person rocks ten times, while the others have a ‘waiting turn.’

Later, one of the other little girls wanted to connect with Marli and play with her. She took something Marli was playing with and hid it behind her back, then turned a little to reveal where the toy was. It was as if the other little girl was saying, “Where is it? Here it is! Can you get it?” Marli was not happy about this game, so I helped her by explaining to her friend, “Marli wasn’t done with that. Marli doesn’t want to play right now. She still wants space. Can you give that back to Marli? Here, I’ll help you give it back to her.” There were some big feelings and tears. The other girl’s mother said, “You want to play with Marli and she doesn’t want to play. That’s sad for you.” Then, one of the other parents offered to play instead and that worked! So often there’s pressure to be nice, play nice, play with your friend, give her a hug, SHARE!

Sharing is a learned skill and it’s a skill that we must help our children practice and develop in a gentle, supportive manner. We cannot command our children to share. Helping our children share includes soothing them while they struggle through their frustration. We must also help our children advocate for themselves, supporting them when they don’t want and don’t need to share.

I hope one day Marli and her friends will be able to voice themselves like the little boy in the park. I hope we’re modeling that type of self-care for them. I also hope we’re teaching them to honor one another’s feelings and to problem solve by looking for many different ways to meet their needs for play and connection.

###

A Flooding of Emotions

2009-05-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

One day, my one-and-a-half year old daughter, Marli, and I were at a café when she had a very public meltdown. Before that happened, I got a coffee and then we sat down to share some blueberries that I brought for snack time. When it was time to leave, Marli wanted to hold the bag of blueberries and I let her. Unfortunately, before we made it out the door of the crowded café the blueberries spilled all over the floor. People turned to look.

Marli and I cleaned-up the blueberries together and put them back in their bag. She wanted to reach back into the bag, grab the blueberries and continue eating them. I explained that the floor was very dirty. I’m not too nervous about immune building germs, but that floor was so dirty that I’m pretty sure it was originally white and not black.

“These aren’t good for eating now, baby. We need to throw them away.” Rather than throwing the blueberries away, Marli threw herself on the floor, rolled in the thick disgustingness and cried. Activity in the café stopped and all eyes were on us. I felt a little embarrassed, but I did not take it out on her. I didn’t allow my embarrassment or fear of judgment take over. Instead, I tried to empathize with her big, overwhelming feelings instead.

I didn’t tell Marli to stop having her feelings or to “behave.” I know that I’m certainly not capable of accessing my higher, rational brain when I’m flooded, so I don’t expect that from my child.

I’ve learned that she is soothed by sound, so I used my voice. I knelt down and I said, “I know, this is hard. You’re sad because you were really enjoying the blueberries. You must be really sad.” Marli recovered quickly, otherwise I may have moved outside out of respect for the other customers.

I suggested that we say bye-bye to the berries and then put them in the trash. I asked if Marli would like to carry them over to the trash. She did, she said bye, kissed the bag and she threw them away. I hugged her and said, “I know that was hard.” I replayed the situation to help her process and understand what had happened. “You were really enjoying the berries and they fell on the ground and got dirty, so we had to throw them away. It’s hard to say good-bye so suddenly to something you enjoy so much.” Marli is learning valuable lessons, like how to work through difficult feelings, and I am learning how to support her through that process.

As we were leaving for the second time, I glanced around and noticed people smiling and nodding at us. They appeared to be touched by what had just occurred. Perhaps they too were soothed thinking about how it would feel to have someone empathize with them and support them. Imagine if you lived in a community where people really knew how to empathize with and support one other. Perhaps one family at a time we can begin creating that world together.

###

Partnership, Not Power Struggle

2009-05-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

(UPDATE: This one was published! Woo hoo!)

In his book Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way, Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. writes, “I’ll be forever grateful to my children for educating me…[that] I couldn’t make them do anything…That was quite a humbling lesson for me as a parent, to learn about my powerless-ness, because somewhere I had gotten it into my mind that it was the job of a parent to make a child behave.” He continues, “All I could do is make them wish they had…[then] they taught me a second lesson about parenting and power…they would make me wish I hadn’t made them wish they had. They taught me that any use of coercion on my part would invariably create resistance on their part, which could lead to an adversarial quality in the connection between us. I don’t want to have that quality of connection with any human being, but especially not with my children, those human beings that I’m closest to and taking responsibility for.”

No one wants someone else trying to control them, not even children. Punishment, criticism, judgment, blame, demands, a harsh tone of voice, the silent treatment and even bribes are controlling and manipulating behaviors. Do we really want to scare and coerce our children into doing what we want? Would you want to be treated that way? We say that we want our children to behave, but a more considerate and aware goal may be to teach our children our values. This requires explanation, which requires our time and thoughtfulness. It’s not easy in our fast-paced world, but for our children it is worth the effort.

Often parents fight to maintain their power and dominance. This teaches children bullying tactics, rather than conflict resolution and positive communication skills. What if we treated the parent-child relationship as a partnership instead? What if we saw our role as that of mentor, allowing our children to mentor us and reveal insights as well?

In another of Rosenberg’s books titled Life-Enriching Education: Nonviolent Communication Helps Schools Improve Performance, Reduce Conflict, and Enhance Relationships, Riane Eisler writes in the Introduction, “In this book, Marshall Rosenberg describes key elements of what he calls life-enriching education: an education that prepares children to learn throughout their lives, relate well to others and themselves, be creative, flexible, and venturesome, and have empathy not only for their immediate din but for all of humankind.”

This could also be a useful mission statement for parenting. I want my child’s school to teach critical thinking skills, not just how to memorize and obey rules. Similarly, I want my child to understand what I’m asking of them and why. I believe this approach and using nonviolent (or compassionate) communication will help me to build a strong connection with my child. Hopefully, that connection will allow my child to share feelings and thoughts with me openly.

When do we begin this process of explanation? Now. Whatever your child’s age is, begin talking with them. When my baby was first born, my own nonviolent communication mentors encouraged me to talk with her from the beginning. I narrated just about everything I was doing. At first, I felt silly, as if I was talking to myself. Not only is this a way to connect with your child, it also helps babies develop language skills and learn about their world.

Additionally, my favorite benefit is becoming comfortable speaking to your child. I became so comfortable narrating my actions that I found myself at the grocery store one day saying, “Now, this is an apple, and this is an orange.” The other shoppers nearby frowned and gave me strange looks. I explained that it was my first shopping trip without my baby and that in my sleep deprived state I was on autopilot acting as if she were right there with me. An older woman replied, “Oh I am so happy to hear that you talk to your baby! So often I see people ignoring their little ones and it breaks my heart. They’re people too, you know, and no one likes to be ignored.”

It may feel awkward at first, but eventually it comes naturally.

My very first a-ha moment during a Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting (CNVEP) class occurred when my little girl was about five-months-old. She was playing with a toy outside the participants’ circle while CNVEP Executive Director Ruth Beaglehole facilitated. I wanted to return to the circle so that I could see Ruth more easily. I picked-up my daughter and she began to cry – loudly. Ruth stopped and asked if she could share some information with me.

Ruth pointed out that Marli was engaged in an activity and that I pulled her away from it with no warning. That would upset anyone, I realized. What I hadn’t realized until that moment was that children of any age can be deeply involved in an activity that’s important or meaningful to them. I put Marli back down in front of the toy and she stopped crying. It seems like common sense, but children don’t come with manuals and parenting is not instinctual – that’s why I was taking the classes.

When it was time to clean-up, Ruth suggested that I explain to Marli what was happening. It occurred to me that telling Marli when I was about to pick her up was probably a nice warning. I wouldn’t like continually being surprised by someone lifting me into the air unexpectedly.

In another class, Marli was trying to lift herself up to standing by holding onto a chair. Marli fell and she cried. Ruth approached her and explained what had just happened. She said something like, “I think you were trying to stand-up here, then you slipped and fell down. I see you’re crying. Maybe you got scared, or maybe it hurt. I’m not sure, but I can help you try again. I’ll hold the chair so that it won’t slip while you try again.” Marli stopped crying, she tried again, and she laughed as she stood-up.

Another child fell and hit his head on the corner of a wood stage as he practiced standing. He howled loudly, but he actually stopped as Ruth showed him what had happened. He seemed focused, his eyes following her movements. He was taking in what Ruth was saying. I was surprised at the time, even though now it seems like a no-brainer that toddlers are soaking up what we say and do. Just because someone cannot communicate the same way we do that does not mean they cannot understand us!

Explaining what is happening helps children of any age to understand the world around them rather than perceiving it as a mysterious and unsafe place where strange, unpredictable things happen.

Now, whenever Marli falls down or gets hurt, my partner and I help her process it by replaying what happened as much as she wants to. By one-and-a-half she was replaying falls for family members and talking about her ouchies for over a month. These incidents were very big for her at the time. Her father and I also attempt to help Marli achieve her initial goal. We’ve found that several times her big tears weren’t about the fall, but about the fact that we scooped her up and took her away from her activity. Now, when Marli falls her father and I wait to see how she reacts, then we follow her lead. If she wants us to scoop her up we do, and if she wants to reengage in her activity we help her.

Following our child’s lead is a big part of our parenting philosophy. We don’t try to direct or control her play. We observe, we explain what we’re observing and we try to reserve judgment. For example, if we see Marli ‘pull’ someone’s hair we don’t assume that she is doing something negative. She is not intentionally trying to hurt someone, she’s merely trying to explore someone’s hair and she doesn’t know how to be gentle yet because she can’t regulate her movements. We try to use neutral language, so we might say, “I think you’re trying to explore her hair, but when you do that it’s called a pull and that hurts. Try to be gentle, like this.” We model the behavior for her and we understand that we’ll need to model in this way for a long time before she’ll be able to do it on her own.

For a while, one of Marli’s friends pulled hair when she needed space. She would gently give Marli a little push to communicate that she wanted to Marli to move away. After a while she learned to ask for, “space please.” If neither of these strategies worked, though, the only tool she had left to work with at the time was to pull hair. And the truth is that pulling hair worked! But the little girl’s mother helped her to understand that pulling hair hurts our friends and I helped Marli to understand that sometimes our friends need space to feel comfortable.

When Marli began climbing all the furniture in the house, we’d say, “I see you’re enjoying climbing. I’m concerned about you climbing on the table because you may fall, so I’m going to help you get down.” Then, we try to find the yes behind the no. We don’t want her to climb on the table, but she can climb on the couch. At that point, I began taking Marli to the park every day where I could help her climb and explore all she wanted. Marli’s older now and she still gets the urge to climb the table because she loves climbing.
So, providing her with the chance to climb each day is still important. When she climbs the table she is not being bad and doing something she knows she’s not supposed to, she is simply feeling the need to explore! That’s hard to resist and it takes time to develop impulse control.

Another strategy my partner and I use to address the table climbing is making books. We draw stick figures and tell the story of how Marli really wants to climb tables, be up high and explore. Then, we explain that mommy and daddy are concerned that she could fall and get hurt. So, mommy and daddy help Marli down and she feels frustrated and angry. Then we draw a couch and a playground and explain that these are things Marli can climb on. Whenever she tries to climb the table, we read the book and we try to have patience, remembering that eventually she will learn. And, again, I want to stress finding the yes behind the no. Sometimes I say, “We don’t climb the table, but we can go outside and climb the stairs.”

Another struggle I’ve often observed in my own child and others is not wanting to leave a fun place like the park or a party. I struggled with this as a babysitter many years ago. I used to threaten, “You have until five to get over here.” What happens after five? I don’t know, but it’s something bad and scary and you don’t want to find out! Now, I’ve learned to start giving Marli warnings about ten minutes before we need to leave. I give multiple updates: “Eight more minutes, five, two, one, five more pushes in the swing, now let’s say good-bye to the swings, slides, sand and other children. It’s hard to say good-bye. Wouldn’t it be great if we could stay here all night! But what would we eat and where would we sleep. Time to go.”

One of my nonviolent parenting mentors once spent twenty minutes building a bridge of leaves to the car with her two boys. Her boys didn’t want to leave the party they were attending, so she turned leaving into a game where they could only step on leaves as they went to the car. It may have taken twenty minutes, but fighting with the boys and dragging them out of the party would have taken just as long. Plus, fighting would have caused tension and anger, leading to a rift in the relationship that would have to be repaired later.

I was surprised to learn just how much Marli could understand by age two. As she grows, I’ll continue to explain what I’m observing while reserving judgment. I will say, “I see that you’re crying because you really wanted ice cream. You must be really disappointed,” rather than, “You’re being bad and it’s not that big of a deal.” I’ll help Marli identify her feelings and search for healthy ways to deal with those feelings. This goal requires her input, though, and that’s why I want to approach parenting as a partnership and not a power struggle.

###

Mean Doesn't Help

2009-05-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Going to Disneyland is like swimming in a sea of the dominant parenting paradigm. I quickly became anxious when I realized that not only was I outside the safe bubble of like-minded parents who practice compassionate communication, but many of the parents surrounding my family in the Magic Kingdom seemed downright mean. Let me give you a sampling of what I overheard:

Mother: “You’re being a bitch.”
Daughter: Stunned silence.

Parent: “We’re here to have fun, so act like it!”
Child: “Being yelled at isn’t fun.”

Parent: “Hurry up!”
Child: “You sound mean.”
Parent: “I’m trying to help you!”
Child: “Mean doesn’t help.”

Parent: “Don’t, stop, don’t, stop, don’t do that either, I said stop, just stand here, don’t move, don’t touch that, stop playing with the chain, don’t climb the gate, you’re bothering the other people, I can’t take you anywhere.”

Parent: “Stop crying or we won’t go on this ride.”
Child: “I don’t want to go on this ride.”
Parent: “It’ll be fun, but only if you stop crying.”

One mother was holding her daughter while we were in line. The girl wanted to get down and visit with the other kids, so she was squirming and crying. I think the mother felt embarrassed and was worried about other parents judging her because she made many disparaging comments like, “The terrible twos never ended for us.”

I tried to show the little girl (and the mother) empathy by saying, “It’s hard to wait in line, isn’t it, especially when all you want to do is play and explore?”

The mother responded, “She’s just a brat.” The girl began kicking and her shoe fell off. The mother said, “See? She just kicked her shoe off!”

“I think the shoe just fell off,” I responded.

“No, she did it on purpose. She’s always acting up.”

I wanted to cry. I felt so sad for the children who were being told how bad they were all day long.

I wondered how I could help that other mother. I imagined she was feeling overwhelmed. Usually when I see a mom who seems about to blow I’ll say, “It’s so hard, isn’t it? Can I help?” The mom in front of me had someone else with her, though.

I knew I wasn’t the only one noticing what was going on around me all day. Our children pick-up on these things too. Perhaps you’ve noticed your child get silent, frown, then stare at another family while absorbing everything that’s said. That’s when we practice protecting our children by moving in close and saying, “How are you feeling, what are you thinking?” Or whisper, “I’m concerned, let’s move.”

Knowing that there wasn’t much I could do to change the situation around me, I turned my attention back to my own child, knelt down to her level, then sang and danced with her. Several minutes later as the line moved forward, I noticed the mom ahead of us doing the same thing as her daughter clapped along. I realized that the only thing I can control is my own behavior and that means taking care of my own family while modeling what I’ve learned about Nonviolent Communication.

My partner and I have discovered that when we’re going to be waiting in a line, at a restaurant, or on an airplane bringing an activity bag helps us to remain engaged with our child. Instead of dreading the wait and having anxiety about our child’s natural expressions of boredom, we have an opportunity to connect. Keeping food with us is also beneficial, especially since I am less patient and more likely to blow when I haven’t eaten.

Unfortunately, people’s behavior can negatively impact us and on our children. We have no control over others, though. We do have control over our own actions and luckily our behavior can have a positive impact on those around us now and then.

Get Out of the House

2009-03-27T14:36:00.001-07:00

Being a parent is challenging and at times it can be isolating. Coming up with fun activities outside the house can help on days when you’re feeling lonely, restless or bored. If you live in a big city like Los Angeles there are books and magazines devoted to possible outings. Doing this research on your own takes some work, but it is well worth the effort.

To make this task less daunting, here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Check your local library for story times.

2. Check with your local community center for activities like Tot Time or Arts and Crafts. If there isn’t something organized yet, ask them to start something new.

3. Find a yoga studio with Mommy and Me classes, which are usually open to fathers, too.

4. Organize a weekly play date with other parents and children.

5. Look into swim lessons at your local pool, or visit the pool on your own.

6. Visit different parks. We go to a park almost every day.

7. Go for walks. Get to know new neighborhoods or go on hikes by putting your little one in a baby backpack or wrap.

8. Do an Internet search with your city’s name and terms like “mommy and me” or “baby classes.” Also, check out www.gocitykids.com.

9. Look for music classes, or invite other parents and children over to dance and share a snack.

10. My favorite activity has been parenting classes through the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting in Los Angeles. We also attend a weekly playgroup at the center. Search for similar nonprofits in your area.

11. Some parks have amphitheaters with free music and shows.

12. Join a mommy support group. Today you can find many listed on Myspace.com.

13. Go to a museum during the weekday when it’s not as busy and talk to your baby about what you see. Many museums have rooms just for children and many, like Natural History Museums, are designed for kids to enjoy.

14. Go to an aquarium.

15. Go to the zoo.

16. Collect leaves during the fall.

17. Look at and smell flowers during the spring.

18. Visit a pet store.

19. Visit a toy store and play with the display toys. Make sure you explain to your child that you’re just visiting the toys and not taking any home.

20. On really hot summer days when we had no air conditioning, I would take my baby to the mall and sit in the furniture section reading to her. The employees understood and didn’t mind one bit.

21. On hot days you can also go to an air-conditioned bookstore and read.

22. Visit a public garden, or ask a neighbor to visit their garden.

23. Go outside and blow bubbles, play ball, wrestle, play in the grass, sing and explore.

24. Visit a firehouse and have them show you the trucks.

25. Visit a farm or a petting zoo.

26. If it’s a rainy day and you’ve already explored the rain outside, search online for toddler activities that you can do around the house.

Whether you’re meeting up with other parents or just going out by yourselves, you and your baby will appreciate getting out of the house and getting active.

Remember your baby backpack, wrap, or stroller and a bag with:

1. Sunblock for baby and for you.

2. A hat for baby and one for you.

3. Sunglasses.

4. Snacks or lunch for you and your little one.

5. Water for you and your little one.

6. A change of clothes in case your child has LOTS of fun and gets wet or dirty.

7. A few sand toys, a ball, bubbles, et cetera.

Enjoy exploring!

###

Dear Papa

2009-03-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Papa:

Your baby’s mama needs your empathy. She needs understanding, sympathy and compassion. She needs you to try to identify with her difficult situation. But WAIT! Do NOT use the following phrase: “I understand.” Because you do not.

You do not understand what it is like to have your body stretched out never to be the same again. You do not understand what it is like to feel ugly because of fatigue, brittle hair, bad skin and dark circles under your eyes. You do not understand the body funk. You are seeing your baby’s mama at her most vulnerable, so be careful what you say.
Empathizing means saying, “Wow, this must be really hard. You’re doing so much to take care of our little one. It’s amazing. You are amazing.”

Empathizing also means understanding that sleep deprived mothers may bite your head off for that comment, or really any comment. Make your motto, “Like water off a duck.” Just let it go. It’s not personal.

At times you may feel hurt when your baby’s mama comments about how you’re not doing as much as her, but if she’s breastfeeding, waking with the baby at night and staying home, then she is doing more and that’s okay. What’s not okay is to let that sacrifice go unacknowledged. Mamas need attention, affection, support and acknowledgement. Say things like, “I notice how hard you’re working. Thank you.”

There are many things you should not say. For instance, do not mention how tired you are if mama is the one getting up with baby at night. If mama is breastfeeding that means she’s burning around 500 calories a day and that is like running eleven six-minute miles! So, it's tiring. Plus, she’s turning blood into milk and giving away precious nutrients in addition to not sleeping, so do not mention how tired you are.

When you come home do not say, “You’re still in your pajamas,” with a scowl on your face. That’s a luxury that you enjoy! Don’t judge mama for not getting to enjoy the same privileges as you. Listen, mamas often don’t even get a chance to pee or eat OR shower, so forget changing clothes. Try walking through the door and saying, “I’m here now, so I’ll take care of the baby while you take care of yourself. What can I do to help?”

Do NOT point out – or heaven forbid get upset about – a mess on the floor. What you don’t realize is that mamas spend all day cleaning up messes and a few of them get away from us, or we simply give up after the fifth one. Just clean it up…quietly.

Do not say in astonishment, “You haven’t eaten! What’s wrong with you? Our baby needs you to take care of yourself!” Instead say, “What you’re doing is so hard. What do you want? I’ll make it and I’ll make some snacks so that you can just grab them and eat them easily when I’m not here.”

Do not judge the mama for not springing right back to her pre-baby body. The only women who do that are rich and have personal trainers, nannies and chefs. Buy mama a series of yoga classes so that she can “relax” and then make a date to play with baby twice a week while she exercises. If mama’s breastfeeding, see if baby will take a bottle of breast milk. If not, feed before the class and then put baby in a stroller and walk nearby the yoga studio. If baby starts to cry try soothing your little one and if it doesn’t work, then peek into the class and get mama (or have someone from the front desk get her).

Do not oogle “hot” women in magazines or in real life. Act like nothing is hotter than motherhood! Nothing beats your baby’s mama. Nurturing is hot, not g-strings, got it?

Do not make mama ask you for money. If she is used to making her own money, then asking for money is going to feel strange. It’s going to be a blow to her independent, self-sufficient spirit. Give her an allowance that’s within budget and let her have her own money to do with it as she pleases. Let her have autonomy and do not question her purchases with her money.

Do not take for granted the fact that you move about the world freely, while mama has a baby strapped to her like an extra appendage with a mind of its own. Yes, you go to work and you work hard, but staying home is not easy.

Mamas do not sit around and eat bon-bons. They get thrown up on all day and then get whiffs of rotten milk that make them gag because they don’t have time to change because they’re cleaning up the throw-up, then changing the diaper (which also smells), then feeding the baby again, then burping the baby, then trying to soothe the crying baby, then trying to clean up some of the mess in the house, then debating whether to eat or pee – but WAIT – there’s the curdled milk spit-up again.

After all of that, mama tries to plan for a shopping trip and that requires making sure she has insane amounts of supplies, and once baby is safely in the car and they’re about to leave mama will notice that her boobies are leaking and she needs to go change her shirt.

Take two! Off they go to the grocery store and when they arrive mama notices that baby has pooped all over the car seat. Mama tries to clean up baby and the car seat. Okay, into the store, but not so fast because baby wants to feed.

Now into the store. Half way through shopping baby starts to scream, so mama asks someone who works in the store if they’ll hold her cart. Mama goes outside and soothes baby.

Back into the store. Now, mama must pee and she must pee now because her bladder is still not as strong as it once was, but someone is in the bathroom, so mama does the pee-pee dance, then mama pees on herself a little – yes, it happens to most mamas and some of us have even peed our pants entirely during rush hour – so mama takes baby into the disgusting men’s room and tries to pee while holding baby and balancing above the gross toilet seat.

Finally, mama goes to retrieve her cart, which is gone, so she starts all over.

Once the shopping trip is over, mama has to bring in all of the bags one at a time because if she puts baby down baby will cry, except that baby is asleep in the car. Mama can’t leave baby alone in the car while taking in groceries and mama can’t pick baby up because that will wake baby and now mama has to pee AGAIN! I know women who have peed in cups and on beach towels in situations like this.

So, unless your bladder is so weak that you are forced to squat in the back of the car and pee into a cup so that no one will kidnap your baby while you run inside and so that your baby can FINALLY nap, do not think we have it easy because we get to stay home.

You may be thinking this sounds insane, well, it feels insane too and that’s why mama needs your support, your foot rubs, your back rubs, your lies like, “You look so beautiful when you’re caring for our child. Your eyes sparkle.” Mama will think, “I peed on myself today and you still think I’m beautiful. You are wonderful!” If once a day…no, once a week…you say, “You’re beautiful,” then you, sir, are a prince.

What it comes down to is this: One of your jobs as a papa is to help care for the mama. Be kind. Be appreciative. Be able to look past the pajamas, adult acne, dark eye circles, bad hair, fat roll and bad attitude to find something, ANYTHING, that you still find attractive about us. We need that. We need you.

###

2009-02-04T13:11:00.000-08:00

This blog covers topics like: